There are questions that, with enough time and enough lack of answers, become embedded in the human psyche. The collective consciousness of mankind still asks themselves every day about the functionality of magnets, or whether someone shot and killed John F. Kennedy, or if his head just did that. There’s been one specific question on my mind the last few months, though. No, it has nothing to do with the fact that Stanley Kubrick helped JFK fake his own death to test his practical effects and camerawork for the eventual moon landing con. It’s much deeper and much more consuming than something that stupid and simple. The question, you ask?

Who Exactly IS PlayerUnknown?

I first realized how strange the whole PlayerUnknown situation was one day while I was playing Fortnite, a massively successful, first-of-it’s-kind Battle Royale game by the same guys who made Unreal Tournament. It’s sort of like those Minecraft Hunger Games servers they used to have. It’s a truly unique gaming experience and I can’t recommend it highly enough. Anyway, as I was boxing myself into a cave to await my inevitable death, I thought to myself “I’ve been hearing a lot about this PlayerUnknown guy, but I have absolutely no idea who he is!” At first I shrugged the notion off, but after six more Fortnite bottom half finishes, my curiosity got the better of me. I took to the information superhighway and did some digging. Looking back on it, I can say that nothing prepared me for what I found next.

NO ONE actually knows who PlayerUnknown is.

It’s crazy, right? Hard to even wrap your head around. There’s some unknown player out there who made an arguably inferior and slightly less popular and way more expensive version of Fortnite that a lot of people apparently play! They even alluded to this mysterious man and his Battlegrounds at last year’s E3. (Author’s note – I have no fucking clue what E3 stands for)

Isn’t there something about that this that’s at least just a bit concerning? How could a game that has just slightly less overall players than global smash hit Fortnite be made without anyone having any idea who was responsible for it? I have difficulty just wrapping my head around the concept. This game, PlayerUnknown’s Battlegrounds (PUBG) is apparently almost as big a deal as Fortnite is, and there’s not a single person who knows the identity of PlayerUnknown. Naturally, the investigative journalist spirit in me couldn’t just let this issue slide. People are using these Battlegrounds every day. Shouldn’t they know who’s battlegrounds they’re using?

Unmasking PlayerUnknown – A Theory

The more I sat down and thought about what kind of enigmatic man this mysterious PlayerUnknown character must be, the more and more my bedroom and then kitchen started to look like the Pepe Silva corkboard. Maybe it was the guy from Gearbox (I think?) who made that horrific Overwatch clone seeking his redemption. Maybe it was that guy, who’s name I can’t be bothered to look up, who made that game with extended shower scenes and is generally a hack and a laughing stock. Something Cage? David Cage. Right. Maybe PlayerUnknown is that bastard.

Maybe it’s Todd Howard, beta testing Skyrim II’s Battle Royale mode. That’s an official prediction by the way. There were just so many potential candidates. But then I had a more wholesome, and more logically sound idea.

What if PlayerUnknown is just the Gamer Culture equivalent of donating to charity anonymously? What if this unknown player is actually just a fabrication of say, a hard-working Korean studio who didn’t want any one person to receive massive amounts of credit and e-celeb status for the work of an entire dedicated team of underpaid, overworked devs and coders?

That warm, happy thought was enough to make me quit the search. I was much more content to imagine PlayerUnknown as the symbol of a dev team’s triumph. After all, what kind of colossally self-import shithead would put his own name in the title of his first ever video game? I think that’s a right pretty much reserved for Kojima at this point! I’m sure there’s no one out there so full of such unwarranted arrogance that they would include their name in the title of a second rate Fortnite knockoff!

I was wrong.

I had almost forgotten about the unknown player and his battlegrounds when I received a life-changing letter. A letter that shook my very world-view to the core. It was a court order, informing me that I was being sued by PlayerUnknown for using a frying pan to make chicken breasts. I was informed that such a breach of his intellectual property wasn’t going to slide, and that I would be hearing more from PlayerUnknown’s lawyer. Little did he know, this ridiculous over extension of the law helped me crack the case.

PlayerUnknown is an immortal ancient Mesopotamian God

There’s simply no other explanation. Mesopotamians invented the frying pan, so they’re the only people who could sue me for using one.

 

The Leafs suck, by the way. Go Bruins.

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