You’ve probably asked yourself this question before. “Am I living in a society?” If you’re the type of person who googles “QAnon Antifa Paul Simon Farewell Concert” and “What does SEO stand for?” you probably have always pondered the great questions in life, like “What is a society?”, “am I living in one?”, “Do they have otter pops in Russia?”, “What are otter pops”, and “who are they?”
I haven’t written anything this ultimately pointless in a very long time, and if my inferences of my readerbase’s lifestyles are correct, all three of you are watching Letterkenny on Hulu instead, cracking open a can of Monster Ultra White and remembering the Good Ol’ Days when Coach used to assume you were the kind of shit idiot who asked me questions while you read my articles instead of actually READING my articles. Remember that? I sure do. It was a simpler time. I was still getting trenchfoot playing Battlefield 1, and covering virtual reality, and DIRECTLY calling out the behavior of this shitty kid who yelled at fast food employees for having busted McFlurry machines. His real name was Ryan and he shared an Instagram account with his mom. Ain’t that fucked up? It was so bizarrely sexual. He did a stand up comedy act once at an open mic and just read memes printed off sheets of paper. I have never felt more physically ill than when I sat through the video of that. Never once.
NUMBER 5 – TODD KINCANNON HAS ACTUALLY STARTED KILLING DOGS
You may or may not remember one of the several times I have accurately predicted the future, down to the letter. One of them was when I decided to speculate on disgraced-lawyer turned domestic-abuser turned laughing stock Todd “Kill Canine” Kincannon. Of course, when I wrote that article in what I’m pretty sure was a sleep-deprived frenzy, it was all MEANT to be in jest. It was MEANT to be something we had a nice little laugh at, and moved on. I imagined that someday when more of the court case surrounding Todd’s demanding of custody over his ex-whatever’s dog had happened I’d write a jokey little stinger. Well, it’s a damn good thing he never got custody of that dog.
That’s one of the classic warning signs of a Society taking shape. When any fraud small-time politician can go from a life of limp-dicked internet trolling to declaring himself Jesus Christ. The real biblical journey is the friends we’ve made along the way. Anyone who’s spent a minute watching anime knows that (all of you have). Todd Kincannon’s new religion is one that’s easily digestible and attainable for the common layperson. It’s even easier to understand than the obtusely easy Subgenius code. Isn’t it kind of fucked up that Slack and Discord are also both softwares people use to talk about work? “Bob” ain’t happy, but “Bob” ain’t in. Todd Kincannon has decided all it takes to be your own personal Jesus is blood sacrifice and gumption, and he’s got both of those things to spare. Much like Jesus went into the desert or something, Todd went into a psych ward to connect to God. I think these couple of parallels speak for themselves. Todd and God rhyme too. What proof do you need, man?
NUMBER 4 – We’re glad you’re enjoying Robek.World. Keep Reading For $1
NUMBER 3 – Jerry Brown is still the Governor of California, somehow.
NUMBER 2 – Your kids sneak out of bed late at night to eat sugar directly from the jar, because God is dead and you are personally responsible for that.
NUMBER 1 – You always were a headache, and you always were a bore.
“You know, a corpse is a corpse.” the Undertaker remarked, half addressing the dirty man at the bar. “Sure, I can slice ’em open after they die, I can hack out all their organs and fill ’em up with more chemicals than you two boys have got running through yer system, and I can dress ’em up in the nicest suit they ever did own, but at the end of the day, a corpse is a corpse.” I nodded, and Cooke laughed. Sure, you could pry their waxy, doll-like eyelids open, but all you’d find is an empty socket, a door to a now hollow skull.
“So, it works like this. We take turns naming stops on the L train lines. The first person to name Red Line Belmont wins. The only official rule is that it would be unsportsmanlike to say Belmont on the first turn. Other than that, the rules are up to you fellas. If you successfully play a stop, you get to do another one, and another, until someone successfully blocks you. Whoever blocks you – it’s their turn. So, whaddya girls say?”
First shot. Click. Nothing. Gun passed. Second shot. Click. Again, nothing.
Here’s the gun to you, Cooke.
The Undertaker has the lead. Third shot. Click. Back to the Undertaker.
Fourth shot. Click.
To me now,
smile on his face and a look of sick horror on Cooke’s.
Fifth shot. Nothing. It was the Undertaker’s turn again. Of course, the gun isn’t loaded, I told him.
I would never play this stupid game with a loaded gun.
- @ September 6, 2018 10:37 am