Before we kick this off I’d like to say that I had a very hard time narrowing this down to just the top five reasons. I had almost 90 reasons on the shortlist before I sat down to bang this one out. I’d have to say that I spent nearly two hours narrowing this down to just five reasons. If you’d like to hear more about the reasons I had for murdering Todd Kincannon’s worthless mutt, you can either get at me via AIM (my username is ACDCLuver@69.com) or, my preferred method of contact, chaos magick summoning rituals. Let’s just get this over with.
NUMBER 5 – Todd’s dog was running a patreon scam
When I first broke into the former Mrs. Kincannon’s home to abduct the fleabitten curr that Todd is oh so dedicated to, I had no intention on killing the thing. I planned to keep the dog as my own – as a trophy of sorts. I originally intended to let that dog live out his or her days as my pet, just so I could mail Todd a clipping of her hair monthly along with a photo of me flipping him off. This was before I made a very shocking discovery
The foul beast had been running a patreon scam for months without anyone becoming any the wiser.
Allow me to elaborate, hypothetical shitdunce reader who’s asking me “But Coach, how can a dog run a patreon?”. I was just as shocked as you are. Let me go into detail.
This dog had stolen large amounts of code and work from other people after asking them for help, and then took credit for it all himself. Then, he started a patreon to con his gullible idiot fans into supporting his fancy dog food habit. All that money he gets? None of that is going towards anything. He’s using it to buy expensive organic dog food. And he’s playing you all like a damn fiddle. Every day since I made this discovery I have thanked god that humans are not capable of this kind of evil.
NUMBER 4 – I think his dog might have been a racist
If I know my readerbase, and I do, I know you are all intimately familiar with King of the Hill. Remember that episode where everyone thought Hank’s dog was racist, but it turned out Hank was a racist, but THEN it turned out that he just didn’t like people touching his hot water heater? This was kind of like that except Todd’s dog is really a racist.
As I was transporting the disgusting mongrel to my safehouse in Michigan, I realized that every time I’d slide into the stop n shop for cheap Colt 45s for the road, the dog would bark at black people. Fucked up right? Well anyway, I figured, the dog is from Carolina or whatever. Also, it’s a stupid fucking dog.
That was before I finally wrangled the wretched monster into my underground blacksite killbunker. The dog immediately started hurling racial slurs at me. Ones that don’t even make sense, in some cases. Then the dog, much like Bigfoot, began to explain to me why “white genocide” was happening. At this point, my hand was pretty much forced.
NUMBER 3 – I wanted to experience the thrill of taking a non-human life
Now, this might seem like a bad reason. But sometimes, we all get pushed too far. Don’t tell me you haven’t felt that call of the void.
When I was very young, I told myself “Coach, if you’re ever going to kill a dog, make sure it’s not in cold blood. Make sure the dog is a racist or scamming people somehow.” And well, the opportunity served itself to me on a silver platter much like Todd Kincannon was served multiple subpeonas to appear in court for domestic abuse allegations.
Anyway, I decided I just had to do it to ’em. But please, allow me to suspend this article for a moment (much like Todd’s twitter account and license to practice law was suspended) to go on a brief aside.
I’ve been really getting into Metal Gear Solid lately. It’s a great game. All of them are great. I mean, sure, The Phantom Content wasn’t a wonderful experience, but the gameplay was great. I really do think Snake Eater is the best in the franchise, and displays everything a great Metal Gear Solid game should be.
NUMBER 2 – Todd Kincannon’s Dog Fucked my Wife
Just kidding. Can you imagine? Even as a joke, this would be a boring chore to read. You know that Orson Welles frozen peas bit? When he complains about the quality of the commercials he’s doing voiceovers for? I could not, as a journalist, or an artist, allow to you sit here and watch me ramble aimlessly for 1.5 paragraphs about how a dog fucked my wife just for a cheap cuck joke. As if that entire thing wasn’t already run into the ground to the point where it’s just as deep inside of the ground as Todd’s relationship, and chances of ever being taken seriously again, and his dog. Although, to be fair, I gave his piece of shit hound a pretty shallow grave. I hope someone finds it.
ACTUAL NUMBER 2 – Todd’s dog is the reason why people add -gate as a suffix to things
Listen up you shit fucking idiots. -Gate is not a suffix. You can’t just tack -gate onto anything. The reason watergate was called watergate was because Richard Nixon climbed over the gate to the Washington Monument pool’s gate to steal all the water. You can’t just put -gate on something unless it involves a gate. Think I’m wrong? Think I’m right? Wanna tell me to go fuck myself? Post your opinions with the hashtag #doggate and I’ll get back to you. Get it trending!
NUMBER 1 – Robek paid me to kill Todd’s Dog so I could write this article about it
I was promised very lucrative payment from several people to write this article, I’ll admit. Full disclosure – I’m only in this for the money. When I was told I’d be paid a handsome sum to murder this animal, I signed on without a second thought. What? Why are you looking at me like that? I’m a journalist. All of us are morally reprehinsible people. You want fake news? Turn on InfoWars. I’m the one who’s turning the frogs gay, and I’m in it for loads of money (imagine I hyperlinked that Harry Enfield LODSAMONEY thing here).
Todd Kincannon, as pathetic as he is, isn’t worth the time. Even if his disgusting creature is complicet in his horrible actions, that doesn’t matter, as long as I’m getting paid.
Fuck you, pay me.