It’s the most wonderful time of the year, folks. That’s right. It was Homestuck Day yesterday. Just kidding. I don’t even give enough of a shit about 4/13 to write a joke review. Hiveswap actually did come out, by the way. It was okay. A solid 7/10. Ever since then, Homestuck was bought some anime and manga distribution company and subsequently run into the ground. Good riddance. To quote Kylo Ren from critically acclaimed Star Wars, “Let Homestuck Die. Kill it if you have to.”

What I’m actually talking about is the first round of the NHL playoffs. They started on the 11th, yeah. This my official preview, and its 3 days late so I can look like a real smart analyst for predicting the past with perfect accuracy. But first, let’s talk about the Toronto Maple Leafs.

The Leafs wanted Boston. Someone needs to remind them all to be careful what they wish for. After suffering an embarrassing 5-1 defeat in game 1, they’ll go into the next 3 games without second line centre Nazim Kadri, who was suspended for leaving his feet to run a defenceless player head first into the boards. Some of the less objective Leafs fans will tell you the suspension was unjust, but they’re objectively wrong. Kadri’s hit was the second dirtiest hit I’ve seen all year, only behind Brad Marchand trying to take Marcus Johansson’s head off. Had Marchand hit a Leafs player the way Kadri went after Wingels, you’d all be calling for a lifetime ban. Face the facts. Yes, I’m talking to you, Steve Dangle.

The Vegas Golden Knights continue to be the single best thing about Vegas. With a 2-1 victory in double OT last night, they’ll take a 2 games to none lead back to LA to dethrone the second most hated team in the Western Conference. God bless Vegas. Philly and Pittsburgh are all tied up, and the Jets are handing Minnesota the beatdown we expected them to. Anyway, here’s some round by round predictions.

Vegas
Winnipeg
San Jose
Smashville

Philly
Boston
Tampa
Washington DC

There are your 8 winners. If you actually managed to read through this entire article, I feel like I owe you some sort of apology. Someone owes someone something because this was easily the worst article I’ve written since I gave Fantasy Empire by Lightning Bolt a bad score. In fact, this article is so much of a sad cash-in I’m going to take a queue from our Commander in Chief and run a distraction tactic so you can’t run up in my comments section to call me a hack. Unfortunately, I don’t have the power to coordinate an air attack on Syria (yet).

What CAN I do, you ask?

Please stream my band’s album on Spotify. Stream it on loop with the sound off. It generates infinite money. Buy it on bandcamp. I have a family of six to feed.

Tell all of your friends. Tell your parents. Tell your parents’ friends.

Boston in 5. Next up I’ll be reviewing the latest article that WHY wrote.

2 COMMENTS

  1. You distracted us from your cash in by using your news platform to cash in, nice. How much did you pay rotlich for the review? I initially dismissed the entire album as meme music, but then i listened to the rest. Edm’s not my type, but i liked chili dogs

    Kadri is and always has been kinda scummy. Game 4 go leafs go

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