I’m going to go ahead and scrap the planned opening for this Monday’s edition of Last Take to say that at approx. 9:40 am EST, ESPN broadcast a video on live television of a Miami Dolphins coach snorting coke. Full stop. This guy just got broadcast using a 20 dollar bill to do lines of blow off a table, bragging into the camera about “what if I did this and then went to a meeting?” According to ESPN, he did go to that meeting. Is it a power move to do blow on live TV like that? Frankly, I’m more surprised it wasn’t Jay Cutler.

While we’re talking NFL, let’s talk about the fact that the so-called Vice President of the United States of America is quite literally a paid protester now. Pence used taxpayer money to divert a west coast trip to Lucas Oil stadium in Indianapolis to stage a counter protest to the national anthem protests. He dragged the secret service and his private entourage across the country on your dime because Donald asked him to. To borrow a turn of phrase from the big man with the smallest hands – “sad!”

Speaking of sad, we’re gonna have to have a pretty fucking tough conversation here boys. Imagine for the sake of the visual that I’ve turned my ball cap and the chair I’m sitting on backwards, and that I’m wearing a windbreaker tied around my waist by the sleeves, in an effort to appear hip and relatable to the disenfranchised youth of the 1990s. You got that visual in your head? Good. Now, it’s time we had a serious talk about McDonalds Schezuan Sauce.

Unless you live in a literal cave (if you’re looking for a roommate, email me) or if you’ve managed to achieve some sort of zen-like state where you’re completely unplugged from the non-stop comedy of 2017, you’re probably at least tangentially aware of the Adult Swim “comedy” series Rick and Morty. If you’re aware of the show, you’re probably aware of the exact type of fan base this show attracts. If I could try to capture the mentally of the average Rick and Morty fan in a single sentence, it would be something along the lines of “reddit gold account political centrist who unironically thinks memes belong in real life and condemns political protests but has no problem stabbing people in McDonalds carparks for meme sauce.”

That’s something that actually happened, by the way. In L.A. (Where else?). Rick and Morty’s season 3 premier was expertly crafted to turn a sub-par McDonalds promotional dipping sauce from 1998 into a meme, and after nearly 6 months of feverish fan lobbying, McDs brought the sauce back, but in such limited quantities that almost no one got any. Now, any reasonable person would just drive to wal-mart or whatever and buy a huge bottle of sub-par dipping sauce, go home, and get on with their lives. However, I have only met one reasonable Rick and Morty fan in my entire life, so that’s not what happened.

In case you had any faith in humanity left and you were looking for that one thing that finally pushed you into the camp of total ennui forever, look at the replies on McDonalds corporate two latest tweets. Rick and Morty fans, who unironically believe they’re intelligent for liking a show exactly one tier above Family Guy, threatening violence to a corporation over meme sauce.

Do you guys remember the article I wrote about the McFlurry machine being broke? About that guy who went with me, named Bryan, who I only spent time with for free weed? The guy who was entitled and believed himself to be a member of the intellectual elite? He’s literally a walking bag of bad Rick and Morty fan stereotypes. Imagine that guy, but 400 of him, all rioting over sauce in a parking lot while their social media accounts are covered in condemnations of anyone so “stupid” to care about anything that, you know, actually matters. Please, have a few laughs this morning. There are videos of these sauce riots everywhere. They even had to call police helicopters to the L.A. location. Also, I’d like to point out that never once has there been civil disobedience over fast food sauce rations in a communist state. Maybe it’s time we rethink democracy.

Oh, and the Habs still suck, and Aaron Rodgers is indeed That Bad Man.

See you on Thursday, and Go Leafs Go

(Looking for a link for Letterkinny season 3)

2 COMMENTS

  1. dick and snorty have gotten to a couple of my pals

    But i remember one time in front of a bar, some guy was wearing a strap-on over his clothes and as i passed him he yelled ‘dicks out for harambae’. It was like 6-months after people shut up about it on facebook too

    I dont remeber what my point was

    https://pastebin.com/j9HCMGVX

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