If anything, 2016 will go down in history as the year that shit just plain stopped making sense. About a year ago, for some reason that I have not been able to determine despite hours of research, his holiness The Pope invited a bunch of youtubers to the goddamn Vatican. This was generally regarded as a disaster and I would bet money that it never happens again.
One of these youtubers was matpat, who runs a channel called Game Theory (I think), which can be accurately described as “The InfoWars of pop culture”, by which I mean it’s essentially the ravings of a lunatic who has put hundreds more hours of thought into the Cars franchise than the guy who invented the Cars franchise did.
It is a tradition for visitors to the Vatican to give and receive gifts, and so Matpat “What species are the Cars in Cars?” (Cars, you idiot) Game Theory decides to give the Pope, who is a very old argie who I’m not even sure is legally allowed to use a computer for Catholic Reasons, a digital copy of fucking Undertale.
Fast forward a year, and now Donald Trump is visiting the Pope. Of course, this includes the traditional gift exchange. The Pope, who is the leader of a historically very anti-science religion, gave Trump an essay he wrote on climate change, and why and how it’s real. But that’s not all The Pope gave Donny. The Pope also gave Trump a digital copy of 2015 indie darling RPG Undertale.
The world was reeling after the news leaked that The Pope had potentially regifted his own copy of Undertale. Top Vatican aids and church people scrambled to cover the impending PR nightmare. Lots of very bad things have been happening in politics recently, but no intel leak, no second intel leak, and no body slam of a journalist can compare to the embarrassing scandal that comes from the ultimate disrespect of re-gifting.
The Italian press was absolutely ruthless in their questioning of Vatican officials after Trump tweeted “Lazy Papyrus can’t cut it as royal guard! Sad!”, which made the alleged re-gifting seem much less like “fake news”. After a solid day and a half of only answering questions by repeatedly saying “thank you”, the Pope commanded his aids to stand down and released his own statement.
“I gave Mr. Trump Undertale because I knew he would play the Genocide route. I also know that Mr. Trump has very small hands and is very stubborn, and based on his golf game there is no way he is coordinated enough to defeat Sans Undertale. The more time he spends playing that game, the less intel he can leak.”
~ Pope Frances, 2017
Frankly, this reporter doesn’t know what to make of this whole scandal. I reached out to matpat for comment, but all he did was talk to me for 45 minutes about how Lightning McQueen has sex.
Also, the Stanley Cup Finals are right around the corner, boys. We’ve got a solid D core and a never-say-die attitude in Nashville versus a high powered and experienced Pittsburgh offence. Who do you have?