Okay, so I get it. Trust me, I do. All you guys out there are all kinds of stoked for the new Nintendo Switch. Well, most of you. Okay, some of you. Sure, there are lots of doubts about the Switch. To be honest, I wasn’t sure I was going to make the switch to Switch myself. However, since I am the world’s most famous and important game journalist, a title I pried from W.H.Y.’s fingers with a crowbar and a used copy of Snake Eater, Nintendo kindly granted me early access to review what some are calling the best entry in the Legend of Zelda franchise.

Now, first things first. I’m sure you’ve all heard about how bad Switch cartridges taste. Weird, right? I mean, they are pretty small. I guess some dumb kid could eat one or something, I don’t know. What I do know is that watching adults stick the damn things in their mouth is hilarious. However, I do have some serious concerns about this.
A Switch costs like, 300 dollars. I honestly don’t know how much a Switch game costs, because I didn’t look it up, but I know for damn sure I’m not paying ANY amount of money for bad tasting video games.

So anyway, here’s a recipe to make your Switch cartridges taste less bad.


  • 8 oz Cream Cheese
  • 6 oz Shredded Parmesan Cheese
  • 1/4 Cup of Butter
  • 2 Cups of Milk
  • Pinch of Black and Red crushed Pepper
  • 1 copy of Legend of Zelda: Breath Of The Wild

First, melt the butter in a medium non-stick saucepan. After the butter is melted, whisk in the cream cheese until it melts as well. Once this mixture has been whisked smooth, add the cheese and milk slowly, stirring as you go. Continue to whisk. Add pepper to taste as the sauce thickens. The sauce will thicken quickly, so take care to not overheat or overcook. Finally, stir in one copy of Breath of the Wild.

After the sauce has been made, do whatever you want with it. Serve over Pasta, drink it, I don’t really care. It’s good, I promise.

Now, the sauce was delicious. Easily a 5/5. The creamy alfredo sauce masked any bitterant coating Breath of the Wild. But what about the game?

I switched on my Switch and sat down to play, sauce-covered cartridge shoved in the port, JoyCon TM controller in hand, but I ended up getting distracted by a cell phone commercial, trying to get me to switch carriers. Look, I don’t really understand why stuff like that is so heavily advertised. Cellphones, maybe, but like, insurance? Are there really people out there who switch insurance providers every time a CGI lizard tells them to switch? I sat and pondered this for about an hour until I realized I was supposed to be playing a game. I switched my attention back to my Switch.

Unfortunately, the battery was dead.

3/5, I guess



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