Cryptozoologists around the world rejoiced late last night when West Linn, Oregon native Dan Weiss discovered that the storied Bigfoot (also known as a Sasquatch) was living in a cave on the outskirts of town. However, the video footage and Weiss’ depiction of the events painted a shocking tale that has forced us to reconsider Bigfoot’s place among world mythology.
Weiss was on camping trip with his son (John, aged 3) in a local West Linn camp ground when he claims that he saw a strange shape moving around between the trees late at night. Weiss shot several hours of amateur video over the course of the week-long camping trip of the shape moving around, and eventually realized that it had a specific pattern. It would always disappear in the same spot.
Weiss, who is a cryptid enthusiast and a lifelong Bigfoot hunter, decided to approach the shape one night while his son was sleeping in the tent. Weiss got close enough to the creature to determine that it was, in fact, the Bigfoot of legend. Weiss panicked after he accidentally tripped and alerted Bigfoot to his presence, but he said that Bigfoot was friendly – At first.
“I’m out there stalking the big guy through the woods, and I don’t know if he’s violent or not! Hell, I don’t know if he’s even capable of human speech! So I make this huge sound and the big ol’ fucker turns around and looks right at me, and I swear at that moment I saw my life flash before my eyes.” He would say.
Bigfoot approached the fallen Weiss, and offered him a hand. Bigfoot pulled Weiss to his feet, and, in a shocking move, invited him back to his cave for late night tea.
“I couldn’t believe it. All these years, all these fake sightings and photos, and here I was, about to have tea with fucking bigfoot.” Weiss said to reporters for West Linn’s KTMA public access news channel. However, the initial joy of finally discovering Bigfoot would soon wear off
“It was so strange. He invites me in to his cave, and he has weapons everywhere. Automatic rifles, that kinda stuff. So I’m already a little nervous. We sit down for tea and suddenly out of nowhere he says ‘Now, I’m not racist, but have you ever noticed that negroes commit most of the crimes in this country?’ and I’m just sitting there like, did Bigfoot really just say negroes?”
Weiss would go on to explain that almost his entire visit would continue in this fashion, noting that Bigfoot had several photocopied books full of Stormfront’s manifestos, and wouldn’t stop reminding him that “anti-racist is code for anti-white.”
We here at Coaches Corner reached out to Bigfoot via email for his take on the situation. Here is what he had to say.
“Look, I’m not racist. I’m really not. But if you sit down and take a long, critical look at this country, you’ll realize that a white genocide is happening. Blacks and Mexicans are stealing jobs, raping white women, introducing drugs to the inner cities, and SJW PC culture is letting them get away with it! Plus, with the way the Jews have been recently, can you even blame me for going into hiding?”
Needless to say, as important of a step for cryptozoology and American folklore as discovering Bigfoot was, now we kind of wish we had never found him.