Every single time there’s a work catered event, someone orders pasta salad. The question is…why? Does anyone actually like pasta salad? You arrive, you’re already annoyed about the two drink maximum, and there on the bar it sits. Pasta salad.

What’s the deal with pasta salad? Is is pasta? Is it salad? What is it? I mean, am I supposed to order it as an entree or a side dish? Seriously, who are the ad wizards who came up with this one? What I want to know is what part of the pasta is the salad. You’re not fooling me with your multi-colored tortellini.

I mean, could somebody fill me in? Isn’t the definition of salad that there’s a mixture of vegetables inside? And I’m over here investigating it like a CSI crime scene. Just what are those little orange bits? They’re trying to convince me that it’s an apricot, but I’m over here thinking that a carrot committed harikiri in the refrigerator.

And these fancy sandwich shops, they always have it on the menu. I sit down to order and I’m like, “Did they make a mistake on the menu”? Waiter, please, I asked for the pasta and the salad. It’s like the chef’s thinking, “I’ll give him the cold pasta and call it a salad, he’ll never know the difference.” And just how do they make it so cold? I mean, come on, it’s like I need a Sherpa to guide it into my mouth. I’ve gotta wear thermal mittens to eat this stuff and it’s 110 degrees outside. Who’s idea was this?

Just what is that dressing they put on top of pasta salad? It just sticks to you. What is it? Does anyone even know? I mean, WD-40? Thanks, but no thanks, I’ll just use some pasta salad on that squeaky door.

And my coworkers…they actually like the stuff. I’m over here trying to carbo-load on those tiny slices of hard bread, and they’re loading their plates with seconds.  I mean, if you like it that much, how are there always leftovers? Seriously, You couldn’t pay me enough to eat this stuff. When I see pasta salad in the break room refrigerator, I’m not thinking ‘leftover’, I’m thinking pass over. 

What is the deal with pasta salad!

Anyways, I hit my two drink maximum pretty quickly, so I’m going home.

 


Also published on Medium.

8 COMMENTS

  1. Pasta salad is pretty good if made correctly, that means with mayo. Fuck that yogurt shit. If you want the best pasta salad you’ve ever had try pineapple pasta salad – perfect mix of creamy cool refreshing sweet and the ever elusive umami flavor.

    I read this article in Jerry Seinfeld’s voice

  2. > When I see pasta salad in the break room refrigerator, I’m not thinking ‘leftover’, I’m thinking pass over.

    It is soon Passover over here in Israel, and pasta is verboten for the Jews. They have to gather around a big pile of all the bread they did not manage to eat in time and burn it all up in a large pile of bonfire. That includes pasta and pasta salad. So I guess what I am trying to say here is, “Robek”, is that I am on to you, Jerry.

  3. Clearly a mistake of the american culture, where the american dream tries to take, and as always, fail el’ miserable at stealing the culture of the white slavic people. Pasta salad originates from various slavlands, and must be creates with doctors sausage, sour cream and mayonaise! But americans change recipe with no regards to sanity and what is created on the plate? 100% of the time, anal shit.

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