THANKSGIVING 2016: The Butterball Conspiracy

It’s Thanksgiving here in America, guys. And you know what that means. Ditching your loving family so you can go buy yourself a cheap TV. This way you can ignore your family those other 364 days of the year.

Wait, that’s not what this post is about.

We’re talking about the turkey dinner conspiracy. Weird right? Yeah.

Ever since 1940, Butterball has been the face of Thanksgiving dinner. They have those really creepy commercials from the 70’s with the stalker pilgrim ghosts (have you seen that shit, look it up, Butterball Commercial 1978).

They have that Turkey Talk-line you call when you don’t understand how long it takes to defrost a turkey, even though it’s the exact same amount of time every single year.

Butterball quickly became an icon of the holiday. It’s a staple of every Thanksgiving dinner table. A helping hand to housewives trying to make the perfect meal. The brand that stood out as the symbol of high quality turkey, even with a name like Butterball. But what if Butterball isn’t as innocent as they want us to think they are.

Think about it, every year some company slaughters millions of turkeys, then sets up a hotline in case we don’t know how to consume them. What do they know that they aren’t telling us? What are they really trying to do? Are they trying to smush out the smaller turkey sellers so they have a monopoly on the holiday meal market? Probably. Are they abusing holiday traditions to make BILLIONS of dollars a year? Yeah sure, I guess so. Are they using Butterball turkeys to somehow take over the world? That’s a really great question. I think you may be on to something reader. I mean, I would never say anything about that, but since you brought it up, let’s explore it.

How can we trust a company with such a silly sounding name? It’s like Czechoslovakia, they could be a world super power, if they didn’t have such a weird name. That’s the same reason that Walter Goggins will never get anywhere with acting. Sure he’s great in Justified, but Walter Goggins just isn’t the name of a serious actor. So if Butter Ball wasn’t up to something, why would they give themselves such a ridiculous name?

The other part that’s fishy about Butterball is that they only really deal in turkeys. No one loves turkey that much. This company straight up makes Twitter posts about turkeys and turkey meat all year round. What do they know about the benefits, or even worse risks, of eating turkey that they aren’t sharing with us?

Because we don’t know for sure what Butterball is really up to, and we can’t be too careful, especially in this day and age.

And if you think I’m being paranoid, there’s a lot of news going around that Butterball is caught up in some terrorist plot.

The story is all over those news sites we posted about a few days ago, that means it must be true.

So if you’re going to carve into a turkey this thanksgiving, keep your mind open, and your eyes peeled.

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