Homestuck – Reviewed

So ok.

Homestuck is this webcomic that lots of you internet folks seemed really all kinds of psyched about, and I guess it ended today? Or is going to end eventually? Who knows. Anyway, I’ve got this entire comic sitting on my desk right now and I’m going to give it the first ever Coaches Corner review treatment. I guess I should write something.

I really don’t know how to feel about Homestuck. I guess it’s supposed to be about houses, and people being stuck inside of them? That would make sense, right? See, fucked up thing is that the dude is only stuck in his house for like 40-something pages. And I guess this kind of lying is okay to some webcomic fans, but honestly, I stopped reading as soon as the guy left his house. I’m not going to read 10,026 pages of this garbage if this guy isn’t even trapped in his house. Contained in his dwelling. Stuck in his home. Ya dig?

Here I am like some kind of classic mark, some kind of idiot rube, thinking this would be a fun little adventure about some stupid teenager getting unstuck from his home. But nope. There’s aliens. There’s gays. There’s gay aliens. Gayliens. I’m sitting here like, when do I get to see some plot, yo? But nah, this ain’t about plot. Especially not about plots where dudes aren’t trapped in their house. At least Problem Sleuth featured Sleuths and Problems in equal measure.

Are y’all picking up what I’m putting down, man? I didn’t read homestuck past the 40-somethingth page, but I’m gonna give it 1.5 stars out of 5 stars to keep it real.

Anyway I’ve still got some word count to burn so I’m gonna tell y’all about this time my brother’s friend Monkeywrench Jones came over to our place. Yeah, funny name right? He wouldn’t tell me how he got the name, but that’s more vintage Monkeywrench. We were gonna watch Friday and drink Colt 45’s and shit, you know? Real chill afternoon.

So anyway, Monkeywrench gets really drunk and ends up getting in a Facebook fight with Asian Mike (another one of my brother’s friends), and they end up throwing the fuck down in front of my house. I’m talking WWE Wrestlemania Superslam shit. Dudes are duking it the fuck out, my brother is in the back with my dad’s camcorder shouting WORLD STAR, shit was nuts.

Eventually Asian Mike knocks Monkeywrench out, and, no shit, I shit you not, dude steals his shoes. Right off his damn feet! Those were fucking Jordans dude. The nice ones, I think. Anyway we had to drag him back home afterwards so his mom wouldn’t ground him. We never did get to watch Friday.

1.5 / 5


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