Listen, I Understand You Are Upset, But No Amount Of Yelling At Me Or My Manager Will Fix The McFlurry Machine Before The Back-Ordered Parts Arrive

We’ve all been there. 15 Bong Rips deep in an awkward night with your friend Bryan, who you really only spend time with because he’s super lonely, and you kinda feel bad for him. It’s weird. Bryan was always one of those “outcast by choice” types in high school, so you just figured “shit, that was Bryan!”. You certainly never thought he would end up living at home and sharing an instagram account with his own mother at age 25, but hey. That’s life.

You don’t really know why you even spend time with Bryan. Like, if someone just hung out with you because of pity, you’d be pissed, right? I sure would. Really, you’re only kickin’ it with him because he always smokes you out. Bryan’s cool, you guess. He’s super uncomfortable to be around, though. Dude has no social skills.

You know, I’m gonna stop projecting here and be real as fuck for a minute. Bryan is the same guy I borrowed that PS4 from to do my BF1 review, and he’s still pissed. Fucking guy invited me over just to be snarky to me. He still smoked me out, because he’s lonely, but it was a bad night with weird vibes all around.

So anyway, high as fuck, you pull into McDonalds, except I do, because I am you, but I also work at McDonalds in this story. It’ll make sense when you’re high.

Bryan, bastard that he is, attempts to order a McFlurry. Now, I don’t know about you, but the McFlurry machine is broken. Anyone with an OUNCE of sense knows that. It’s ALWAYS broken. Bryan is fucking stupid though, so he orders one anyway.

“The McFlurry machine is broke” is a sentence said so often in the English Language it has permanently burned itself into the language centers of our brains – embedded itself in the very ethos of the human experience. We all know it’s broke. We ALL do. But not. Fucking. Bryan.

“What do you mean it’s broke? I was here yesterday and they said it would be fixed!”

Bryan, you fucking idiot. You absolute dullard. Those parts are on backorder, dude. There is no reason for you not to know that. Were you raised in a fucking cave? Was your mom too busy tagging you in weirdly sexualized instagram gym photos to teach you to not hassle minimum wage burgermen at the fucking McDonalds? God dammit I hate you so much Bryan.

So get this. This fucking guy, Bryan, decides to just wild the fuck out. I’m talking dick out in the drive through screaming about “can I get uhhhhhhhhhh refund?!?!” all loud and shit. I fucking hate this guy. The McFlurry machine is broken. You KNOW this, man. YOU KNOW. YET YOU YELL.

The most entitled people alive are people think you can just pull up at the McDonalds and “get” a McFlurry. God, I hate this shit. McFlurrys aren’t even good. Go to the corner store and get a fucking choco taco you godless piece of filth.

Oh, by the way, how about those Leafs? Marner and Matthews are really gonna help this team out. Youth, goalscoring, and a future leadership core, eh?

~ Coach


  1. as a man who has never been 420 high, and as a man, who sincerely enjoys a good mclurry. what the FUCKS fucking wrong with you — ???? You know, I’ve beenn to Macking Don’s several times, and only 1 instance i have heard it, and even then it wasnt even in englihs!! I think from this base of individuals, we can deduce one, only ONE (1) conclusion. alone.

    1. Only men who are high, get told they cant get a mc flurry
    2. Becoming high means you lose your ability to enjoy the finer things in life.

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