At 12:33 a.m. on December 7 1972, American astronaut Eugene Cernan left earth on a Saturn V rocket heading to the moon as part of the Apollo 17 mission. Cernan is remembered as the last man to walk on the moon, but his impact on history has been much more insidious; for Cernan brought back more than just moon rocks and scientific readings. He brought back the first case of an alien life form infecting a human being; leading to a significant portion of the population falling victim over the following decades.

You may be wondering how this could happen when we all know that the Apollo astronauts were famously quarantined inside a mobile home. Well that is only partially correct. Only the first four Apollo moon missions included a post landing quarantine. The last three missions had no quarantine procedures in place at all. Aside from that, the parasitic infection only had one seemingly benign symptom, an acute feeling of the need to return to the moon. Perfectly natural for a man like Eugene Cernan. In fact Cernan spent the rest of his life lobbying for a return to the moon, even going as far as testifying before congress in 2010 in opposition to the cancellation of the Constellation program, but how would this affect the everyday working man? A man who didn’t know the first thing about getting to the moon. How would someone deal with an emotional drive for something they don’t realize they want? Former NASA scientist Brian Miller has spent the last 45 years studying just that.

Miller calls the parasite Granulomatous Lunarus (GL). In my interview with Miller, he explained that GL is spread primarily through ingestion of contaminated feces. Miller also stated that the cognitive disconnect caused by people wanting to return to somewhere they’ve never been and have no way to go to has made a huge impact on human culture. Miller believes this cognitive disconnect is the force behind the recent explosion of Meme Magic as well. Miller provided key stepping stone in the growth of GL’s influence on human culture

  1. The honeymooners revival;
  2. Crypto Currency;
  3. Election of Donald Trump; and
  4. Trump’s subsequent dip in approval rating.

We’ll start at the beginning with the first recorded cultural anomaly; the reunion show of the Honeymooners in October of 1973, less than a year after Apollo 17. It may seem like a small blip on the cultural timeline, but the infection rate was still low at this point and primarily focused in the U.S. Miller estimates that about 20% of Americans were infected at this time. You may ask, why would the American public want to revive a show about an alcoholic bus driver who beats his wife which had been cancelled for almost two decades? Let me answer that question with another question. Why is the mouse infected with Toxoplasmosis drawn to cat piss? A single catch phrase delivered by Jackie Gleason was our cat piss.

Bang! Zoom! To the moon Alice, to the moon!

New life was breathed into an old meme. Over the last few decades our squishy fat brains have been the nesting grounds for Granulomatous Lunarus. It sits in waiting until there is a sign of familiarity, a sign of home. Then it strikes. In April of 2013, a user named BitcoinBill made a post on Digg announcing for the first time anywhere that bitcoin was going to the moon. This comment triggered the lizard brains of the infected. People fueled by what we thought was greed began investing and mining bitcoin. They too wanted to go to the moon. This would mark the birth of the meme magic renaissance as the infection went global. Miller believes that the increase in global market cap for all crypto currency can be used to directly measure the correlating increase in human infection. Meme magic would become so strong that it would soon strike down our nation’s only savior.

Bernie Sanders was going to fix everything, but he crossed Granulomatous Lunarus when he announced that he would cut funding to NASA, one of GL’s last remaining lifelines to home. So Granulomatous Lunarus destroyed Sanders and cast him out. It found a new savior for America in Donald Trump. A man who has been quoted as wanting to have his name on every piece of real estate, even the moon. Unfortunately, Trump didn’t learn from Sanders’ mistake. He also decided to make cuts to NASA funding. Trump made a 3% budget cut for NASA’s 2017 fiscal year. Granulomatous Lunarus responded by giving Trump the lowest approval rating for any new president in history. GL has given a warning shot.

Will Trump be smart enough to listen?


Also published on Medium.

2 COMMENTS

  1. My husband purchased and wore and MAGA hat despite liking Sanders initially. He has now been hiding the hat in shame. He is also obsessed with cryptocurrency and it’s all he talks about lately. Oh god, he has liked space and the moon since he was very young. I am worried that he is infected.
    Is there a definitive way to test for this? I worry about his sanity. THANK YOU for the informative article! I’ve posted it on my Facebook.

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