An Afternoon With Battlefield 1

Full disclosure – I will be the first to admit that I was super fucking stoked when Battlefield 1 was announced. A World War 1 game? Finally? You bet. I’ve always wanted a WWI game. My step-brothers and I used to talk about it all the time while we played the myriad of bad WWII and other war games we used to play. We all agreed eventually that it would kind of fucking suck though. Who wants to sit in a trench all day?

Full disclosure – I don’t even actually own a next-gen console or a PC with the ability to play Battlefield 1, so my quest to finally get in some sweet WWI action began by making a whole bunch of phone calls to my friends who could afford real gaming gear. I called up all kinds of dudes. Cool dudes, weird dudes, dudes I haven’t talked to since I dropped out of high school, the works. All of the dudes, dude. I really wanted to get my hands on BF1 before any professional reviews ruined it for me.

Full disclosure – BF1 has been the source of some pretty big controversy, I guess. That’s what I’ve been hearing anyway. You’d have to ask Worldwide Hyper Yawn about that. I don’t actually know anything about video games. I heard that this game is like, really fucking expensive? Like you have to pay 100 dollars to play it or something ridiculous like that? I guess that is pretty bogus. It’s like the developers are putting up some kind of wall around this game to keep financially underprivileged gamers from playing it. Although I guess it’s not really a wall, because if you can pay, you can get through it. I guess it’s more like a gate. A gate for gamers. A gamer-gate. Weird, huh? I bet that term is never gonna stick. I digress.

Full disclosure – I have no idea why so much gaming journalism uses the phrase “Full disclosure.”, and I’m just using it to “fit in” with the “cool gaming journalists.” Anyway, on to that review.

So I finally fucking find a guy who’ll let me borrow his PS4 and portable HDTV to play BF1. Now, I’m sitting here in my house, setting it all up, when I realize – you know what, fuck this. I want an immersive experience. If I’m gonna do WWI, I’m gonna fucking do it right, you know?

Next thing I know, I’m out in my backyard wearing ill-fitting boots, digging a huge fucking hole in the ground. After about 12 hours of hard manual labor, I bring all my friends shit outside, and plop it down in that muddy hole. I also fill the hole with about 6 inches of standing water and set my sprinklers on to simulate rain. I run an extension cord out from my back porch, and boom. We are finally in business, baby.

The experience was just as immersive as I thought it would be. Deep in a hole in the ground, soaking wet, cold (It’s late October up here.), and depressing. I think I actually caught three or four seperate illnesses during my short time with the game. As far as actual gameplay goes, I didn’t really do any of it, because I spent the entire time living a realistic WWI life – Hiding in a trench and attempting to read poetry to my team-mates over the headset. They were not impressed with my rendition of In Flanders Fields.

I only got to play for like 45 minutes before all that water fucked up my buddy’s shit. Boy was he pissed. I don’t think he’s ever gonna talk to me again. Anyway, the game was okay.


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