Everyone’s exaggerating how good or bad 2016 is, so why shouldn’t I do so as well?

1. TRIPLE A

Every single AAA game released this year was utter dogshit. That doesn’t mean 2016 is a bad year, though, because every AAA game released every year is utter dogshit. Let’s look at the big releases:

  • Tomb Raider: The Reboot 2: Rise of The Reboot
  • XCOM: The Reboot 2: 2
  • Far Cry 4 But Somehow Worse
  • Hitman: The Reboot: Hitman
  • Need for Speed: The Reboot: Need for Speed
  • Doom: The Reboot: Doom
  • Team Fortress 2 Ripoff
  • Mirror’s Edge: We Can’t Reboot A Series With One Entry So We Made A Prequel
  • Shin Megami Tensei X Fire Emblem Persona Spinoff
  • Deus Ex: The Reboot: Black Lives Matter Edition
  • Shadow Warrior: The Reboot: 2
  • Battlefield: If It’s Not Rebooting The Series It’s Rebooting World War 1: 1
  • Call of Duty
  • Who The Fuck Cares About Final Fantasy
  • The Last Game

You know, these titles aren’t even that funny and my list is way too long, and filled with too many shit games. There were a bunch of indie games but 99% of them don’t deserve any publicity or criticism. I also haven’t played most of them because I’m a lazy piece of shit. Besides, the best thing to happen to a bad game (or any bad product/art) is for it to be forgotten. So let’s just forget about all the shitty ones and skip right to the good ones. AKA skip to awards

 

1. EDF AWARD

In honor of those who perished in Buenos Aires, the EDF Award recognizes any game about squashing virtually infinite hordes of giant insects, and Doing Your Part. The EDF Award is the highest honor to be received, period.

Earth Defense Force 4.1: The Shadow of New Despair (PC port) is the best game this year about shooting gigantic insects and robots. It’s also the only game this year literally titled, “Earth Defense Force“, so it looks like EDF wins the EDF award, to the surprise of us all.

2. STORY AWARD

The only reason to play games, story is the most essential part of a video game. Without a story, the game stops being a game, and becomes a child’s toy, and stops being a work of art for Mature Gamers such as myself. The Story Award recognizes games that liberate themselves from silly standards such as gameplay, difficulty, and progression, and instead focus on what really matters: story.

Earth Defense Force 4.1: The Shadow of New Despair (PC port) wins this category this year, but also wins this category for all years. EDF 4.1 takes the #1 spot in best story of all time, removing River Raid II from its nearly 30 year streak. EDF 4.1’s story follows a small, underpowered team defeating increasingly unlikely odds. As the planet crumbles around you, the only option is to exterminate bugs, and save the day! With a colorful cast of characters to provide exposition, and hundreds of phrases to chant, EDF 4.1 is full to the brim of genuinely well written, well acted, believable story.

3. PC PORT THAT CAME OUT OF THE BLUE AWARD

Adding longevity to the game’s life, freeing a game from the confines of a console through a PC port is the greatest thing that can happen to a niche game. Without an advertised release, these PC ports slip in unannounced, but are greatly appreciated by their communities for adding more opportunities for the game to thrive and find new players

Can Gearbox do anything wrong? Duke Nukem 3D 20th Anniversary Edition World Tour was the best thing to happen to classic First Person Shooters since Hi-Rez’s treatment to Tribes: Ascend. Truly, the greatest way to respect fans of a game is to remove old and outdated versions for purchase, and add a new version, which contains less items in options menus, auto-aim locked on, no expansion packs included, and, to top it all off, completely re-recorded audio! With all these great features, you can get the best experience imaginable, an intelligent and smooth move on Gearbox’s behalf.

4. OPEN WORLD RPG OF THE YEAR AWARD

My personal favorite genre since I played my very first video game, Skyrim, back in 2011, the open world role playing game allows players to explore and discover a beautiful environment. Being able to go wherever you want, and do whatever you want, open world RPGs are the epitome of the medium.

The Open World RPG of the Year Award goes to Skyrim 2. While it did release titled, “Skyrim Special Edition“, it is much more than special, it is a completely new game. The graphics of this release dwarf the 2011 masterpiece, which already looked gorgeous. I am dumbfounded by how beautiful this game looks in its new form, and deserved the extra 400 hours I put into the game. I mean, mods on console, really? How is that even possible?

5. EASIEST GAME AWARD

Sometimes you just want to lay back and watch the colorful, uncompressed pixels fly by your screen. The Easiest Game Award is not an insult, but an honor, for it allows Gamers of all ages to enjoy, irregardless of intelligence or ability. This award recognizes games which offer no challenge or difficulty in any facet of the game.

The Easiest Game Award goes to Shenzhen I/O. This game disguises itself as a computer operating system, and provides a handful of e-mails to read while typing in some interesting text boxes. There is progress to be made, but with no fail states, no challenge is put upon you. Just sit and stare at the wallpaper for 20 hours, and you will have more than enough of your fill for the game.

6. GAME OF THE YEAR AWARD

The one we’ve all been waiting for, the biggest one yet, the game of the year. This game excels among all, a magical experience full of story, fumigation, and maybe some music.

The Game of the Year Award goes to Picross e7. This game includes some magical improvements that improve the puzzle solving experience and delay my eventual suicide. The countless amounts of puzzles added to the ever-expanding Picross e series make a thrilling and time-consuming addition, with more content than any of the previous titles. I’m glad Jupiter can continue to make these games, and hope they never stop making them until every possible puzzle has been solved and we join the Singularity. I encourage everyone who has a 3DS to pick up Picross e7, for it is truly a masterpiece of this relatively new medium.


So there’s 2016, it was a pretty OK year. Above were simply my objective conclusions, but since I put a horizontal line in, I can go wild and give all my subjective opinions.

First, the ports:

  • Dragon’s Dogma Dark Arisen
  • Deathsmiles
  • Day of the Samurai 3
  • EARTH DEFENSE FORCE 4.1: THE SHADOW OF NEW DESPAIR
  • EARTH DEFENSE FORCE 4.1: THE SHADOW OF NEW DESPAIR
  • Dead Rising
  • The Silver Case
  • EARTH DEFENSE FORCE 4.1: THE SHADOW OF NEW DESPAIR

Second, just good games:

  • Shenzhen I/O
  • Darkest Dungeon
  • Kirby: Planet Robobot

Third, games I didn’t get to play, possibly because of console exclusivity but also maybe because I’m too busy playing EARTH DEFENSE FORCE 4.1: THE SHADOW OF NEW DESPAIR:

  • Dragon Quest Builders
  • Digimon Cyber Slut
  • Project X Zone 2
  • Raiden V

Last, games that are always good:

  • Super Metroid
  • Deus Ex
  • Resident Evil 4
  • Xevious

Pack it up boys, 2016 is over and hopefully 2017 will have twice as many remakes of 90’s PC games, and re-releases of games from the previous gen that haven’t even aged yet.

2 COMMENTS

  1. Most of what you said is true, except XCOM 2. It was pretty great, and now it has the Long War mod.
    Also play Underrail. And Voidspire Tactics. Don’t be discouraged by the graphics.

LEAVE A REPLY

Please enter your comment!
Please enter your name here