We have a problem. It’s nearly 2017, and Bart Simpson is still alive.
“Wait, what are you talking about?”
You’re probably saying right now, out loud at your computer screen like some kind of idiot who thinks I can hear you. “Bart Simpson is a cool guy. Why is it bad that he’s alive?” Or, perhaps, if you’re a real fucking smart ass, you might be saying “Bart Simpson is a cartoon character, Coach. Bart is not real.” Well, I’m addressing the latter statement first. Consider this carefully constructed and well-researched counterargument to Bart not existing – fuck you. Moving on.
Why would I even want Bart Simpson dead? Well, to be frank, I don’t! The article headline does say I’m not going to kill him. This entire article, which will describe in great detail exactly how I would kill Bart if I wanted to kill Bart, is entirely speculative. Think of this like that one OJ Simpson book he tried to write. Actually, this is pretty much the same situation, because I didn’t kill anyone, and neither did OJ. Do you guys really think OJ Simpson, the greatest running back in Buffalo Bills history, would get caught killing someone? Of course not. That’s why he wrote that piece of speculative fiction. Shit, if I were going to kill Nicole Richie, I’d probably get away with it. But I’m not going to kill Nicole Richie. I’m going to kill Bart Simpson.
Hold on, I don’t mean that I’m ACTUALLY going to kill Bart Simpson. I just mean that, for the sake of this article, you should read under the assumption that I am in fact going to kill Bart Simpson. Hey, wait a fucking second. OJ Simpson and Bart Simpson have the same last name. Small world, huh? Maybe I could trick OJ Simpson into killing Bart Simpson, or frame OJ or something. It wouldn’t be the first time someone framed OJ Simpson for murder. Although, if I tricked OJ into killing Bart, I wouldn’t get to kill Bart myself, which is something I am definitely going to do.
By that I mean, something I’m going to speculate about, for fun. Because this is robek world. We have lots of fun here! Remember when I reviewed Battlefield? Boy, it’s sure been a crazy couple of months, and so far, no one has died! Well, that’s all about to change, because I am going to Kill Bart Simpson.
I’m not going to kill Bart. Stop looking at me like that. I think it’s time I get to the goddamn point though. If was going to kill Bart, here’s how I would do it.
First I would write a satirical article and publish it on some kind of blog. The article would be about how to kill Bart. It would be presented very clearly as satire, and the rest of body of work on that same blog would give me a very clear alibi. Once Bart turned up dead, they would never suspect me on the merits of how ridiculous and stupid my other satire was. The cops would scratch their heads and say “Man, it could be ANYONE. Anyone except coaches corner. That guy is just a big joker.” The perfect crime, right?
After I had established myself firmly in the “Not a Bart killer” camp, I would go to his house and stab him. He’s just a fucking kid. It’s not that hard to kill a fucking kid. Besides, stabbing worked really well for whoever killed Nicole Richie and framed OJ Simpson.
So there you have it. This is how I am going to kill Bart Simpson. This is what happens when you foil my plot to frame someone for a corner store robbery. You’ll get yours, Bart.