After 60 years of agenda-driven reporting, the Media quietly passed away surrounded by loved ones. The Media was 411-years-old.

Due to the Media’s insistence of running 24-hour cycles, many thousands of journalists were sacrificed to Baal… until the rise of Blogging. Bloggers taught the Media objectivity was a thing of the past. By trashing the good-will publications had built up over the last half-century, every article could be billed as OP-ED. This allowed the Media infinite reporting avenues! Readers seemed confused by the onslaught of superfluous headlines suggesting crisis — but the Media was thrilled.

Over the past 15 years, the Media stepped up its ‘rhetoric game’, abandoning any semblance of objective reporting. This really annoyed some people, but most people just mindlessly consumed content without a second thought. With the aid of Social Networking, the Media solved the equation for ‘virality’. Clicks were currency, no one read the paper, and since everyone was already bought out by someone else — why bother reform print media and web media to work without ads? The duo really made waves and influenced society. Social media allowed people to share the Media’s drivel. This drivel would help users hop onto their high horse and secure feelings of superiority. These delusions of grandeur, anger and persecution ran rampant until people were unable to separate fact from fiction and feelings from reality. The Media fed off the dissent they caused around the world.

Though it seemed that everyone, everywhere was at each other’s throats for inane reasons — the Media was shocked to find out that people weren’t buying its bullshit anymore. This shock caused a cardiac arrest and the Media was quickly rushed to the ER. The Media died shortly after. A ceremony was held in the Media’s memory.

The ceremony was small, but personal. Attendees watched silently as the lifeless body of the Media was lowered into the ground. The Media was buried beside the Internet, which had been brutally murdered by the Media in 2012.

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