I have read every single article on this election. I have viewed the sabremetric stats on just about every website known to man. I have read the forecasts from both the furthest left and the furthest right. I have talked to Democrats turned radical leftists who actually think that voting 3rd party is a good thing. I have talked to Republicans turned radical “alt-right” types who went from ironically believing in a meme-based deity to sincerely believing in a meme-based deity. I have consulted several psychic animals, including invoking the ghost of Paul the Octopus, who has never called a world cup match wrong. I have approached this election from every angle, and now I know exactly how it will happen.
Trump will jump to an early lead – GOP candidates always do, because of which states finish first. Lots of people online will be very, very quick to declare Trump victory and start worshipping badly photoshopped meme frog pictures. The word “Cuck” will be echoing through the streets. Things look pretty bleak for Hillary supporters.
As the night wears on, the race draws closer and closer. A couple of lead changes even happen. It’s like a watching a basketball game at this point. Each candidate will go on a run of a few states, and each candidates supporters will declare victory early. With each rise and fall, entire online communities will cycle between hope and despair.
Finally, Clinton pulls ahead, mostly thanks to the late boost that is California. It looks like it’s all over for Trump. The alt-right, despite their claims of civil war after the inevitable Trump loss, tuck their cowardly tails in between their legs and log off twitter. It’s all over. Or is it.
Trump wins Florida. Okay. No big deal, right? There’s still Oh- Nope. Trump wins Ohio too. Uh oh, say the Clinton fans. Trump wins Colorado. Trump wins Nevada. Trump wins Wisconsin. Trump wins the election.
The geopolitical landscape is on the verge of changing forever as Trump takes the stage in a certain city in Texas to give his acceptance speech. The internet is collectively melting down. Donald Trump is going to be the next president.
He takes the stage, in that city in Texas. Before he speaks, he reaches up to a zipper concealed underneath his fake hair. He unzips his mask, and then…
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