No Amount of Social Distancing is Going to Make You Feel Better About The Future of the Mets

It is March 18th, 2020. It’s around the middle of the day for most people in the United States. You are alone. So what, right? You’re always alone anyway. The only difference between being alone last March 18th is that no one (rightfully) called you a hero for it. A year ago today, if you […]

Art & Artist

I wasn’t as nervous about starting my new career as I thought I would be – at least, not at first. I suppose part of my casual approach to the situation was the daily consumption of anxiety medication combined with the fact I had decided to call a part-time job working the overnight desk at […]

Look At Me. I Am The Coach Now.

In the exact same week, long time hockey personality/Godhead/xenophobe/builder of the game and the host of Hockey Night in Canada’s fabled Coach’s Corner segment *and* the old, ailing coach of the Toronto Maple Leafs got fired. Let’s break this down a bit. Don Cherry is gone. I named my little sports-or-whatever column on this publication […]

The future of Major League Baseball.

This may be distressing news to some of you, and it pains me to be the one who breaks it, but anime is not real. Obviously anime – the medium – is real. If it wasn’t, you couldn’t have weird, heated, and vaguely Gary Glitter adjacent arguments about which 13 year old girl from Neon […]

It was awesome
It’s Been Exactly One Year Since I Tried To Order a Fortnite Burger

For the record, the hill I will plant my flag and die on is that Raising Canes is the only fast food chicken that matters. A weird hill to die on, I know, but at least I’m dead.

When the Sun Opens

When the Sun Opens     I was told a lie growing up. It was one of those lies that was, at its very core, entirely harmless, especially when it was fed to the over-imaginative brain of a child. Of course, harm is hardly a dualistic thing. There’s a sliding scale involved, because the world is […]

Homestuck – The Epilogue

It’s been 10 years since Homestuck started, and 3 years since Homestuck ended. I’ve reviewed Homestuck, I’ve even reviewed the Homestuck spin-off game Hiveswap. I haven’t reviewed Friendsim, which is a “not-dating” sim based on Hiveswap, but I will right now – it’s fucking shit. One of the writers tried to sneak diaper fetish porn […]

The Top 5 Ways That Bernie Can Still Win.

I’ve been playing a lot of Age of Empires 2 lately. If you’re one of the few people who still reads my columns on this site, you’d probably be just a little upset if I didn’t make a joke that went something like “If you’re the kind of idiot who would ask yourself ‘Coach, what […]

You Can Hear The People Shouting

Have you ever heard a joke that was so funny you wish you could hear it a thousand times? A quip, a phrase, an anecdote, anything – not necessarily for the first time either – that simply appreciates in value the more and more you hear it? Do you wish that there was a way […]

Death

There’s something old people like to say about the only certainties in life being death and taxes, but come on, let’s be real. No one actually pays their taxes. If the president doesn’t have to, why should anyone else? It’s startlingly easy to just funnel your money through 3rd party platforms as “gifts” and keep […]

It was awesome
I Tried To Order A Fortnite Burger At McDonald’s. This Is My Story.

ON August 6th, let’s all go to mcdonald’s and order a fortnite burger. the look on the employee’s faces will be awesome. One month ago I woke up at about 7:30, and, like everyone else in the world, I immediately checked my Twitter feed during my morning shit. Buried inside of “The Algorithm” (which actually […]

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Top 5 Ways You Can Tell If You Are Currently Living In A Society

You’ve probably asked yourself this question before. “Am I living in a society?” If you’re the type of person who googles “QAnon Antifa Paul Simon Farewell Concert” and “What does SEO stand for?” you probably have always pondered the great questions in life, like “What is a society?”, “am I living in one?”, “Do they […]