Okay Coach… Coaches Corner? Coaches? However I’m supposed to say your name, this article is for your eyes only. Also for the eyes of everyone else reading this article. I know this is outside the area of your expertise, but hey, Full Disclosure? I don’t care.

Number 5 – Psycho Mantis has always been real life

No shit Mads is Psycho Mantis and Psycho Mantis is real. How the hell did Psycho Mantis know what kinda games we play? That is literally not possible on Playstation 1 hardware, and you can quote me on that. There is no way the developers could program that sequence in the game by not summoning a being from another realm. Same goes with Vamp and The Sorrow while we’re at it. How the hell does Vamp survive a gunshot, or walk on water? Not even the most convoluted of writing can explain something like that, it has to be magic. And The Sorrow takes all this shit and pumps it to 11, he’s in like every cutscene if you press R1 that shit is way too real to only be in the game. How the hell does he remember every single enemy you kill in the game? The PS2 cannot handle that much data, he has to be sitting in the room with you with a notepad. It’s the only explanation.

So it’s no surprise that Kojima is (and has been using) real life supernatural people to make his games. Now, without Konami up his ass, he’s able to conjure even weirder shit, and playing Death Stranding will probably result in life-altering reality-bending permanent effects that they’ll have to warn about on the back of the box.

Number 4 – I don’t understand games either

Everyone seems to be complaining about microtransactions and shit in games but I don’t see what’s the problem? I mean, I haven’t played a single game that has microtransactionss, and I can’t even remember the last time I made a macrotransaction for a game.

The VGAs were outright weird, though. Just a long string of commercials, and sometimes the people would talk about not commercials but it would still be a commercial. It’s not like I didn’t expect that out of an awards show, but I can only take so much. Most of the time, it was shit I didn’t care about. Player Unknown’s Battle Grounds is getting a new map? Why is that important, we don’t even know who Player is, let alone what the big deal is about his Battle Grounds. None of this makes any sense. Also, how old is Rocket League? It’s like advertising for Coca-cola, what’s the point? Everyone already knows about it, and everyone’s already made up their mind whether they like it, so there isn’t really a point in making ads for it.

Number 3 – Hideo Kojima is Norman Reedus and the baby is his brain

Think about it. First big movie Norman Reedus acted in? Mimic, directed by – you guessed it – Guillermo del Toro. Coincidence? Yes, let’s keep going. He was in some other things, until The Boondock Saints, in 1999. Does that year sound familiar? Yep, just after Metal Gear Solid came out. It’s obvious Hideo assumed his alter ego just after finishing his masterpiece, in order to keep his cover. And when did the TV series The Walking Dead start? 2010, the same year Peace Walker was released. This proves it all. Hideo Kojima spent so much time making Metal Gear Solid V because he was way too busy keeping up his appearance as Norman Reedus. He took a gamble playing a character on a show that he thought would fail, but miscalculated the poor taste of the general public, and suffered for it.

kojima is norman reedus

Think, have you ever seen Norman Reedus and Hideo Kojima in the same room? You’ll probably say yes, but have you really? How do you know it’s not just a real-world demonstration of the Decima engine that Kojima is using for the game? Science has literally gone too far, that’s what Kojima has been trying to say this entire time in his games. Finally, after Death Stranding releases, either Norman Reedus or Hideo Kojima is going to go mysteriously missing, so Hideman Reema can finally focus on one persona. Place your bets now on who it’ll be.

Number 2 – Hideo did not care about Metal Gear Solid V

Metal Gear Solid 2. He wanted to move on after the first MGS, and let other people make the games. So when he made 2, the entire game was a kick in the balls to anyone expecting a true sequel to the game. Solid Snake is killed off, you play as the polar opposite of him, and the entire game follows with subverting your expectations from the first game. It’s as if the director is saying, “why are you playing this game when you could be making other games?” That was kind of the point of the entire game, passing on information as opposed to genes, since information spreads faster and further nowadays than even the most powerful ejaculation.

So Kojima was pretty disappointed he was forced to continue a series he thought he finished with the 2nd one, and decided to make a fun prequel that is mostly insignificant to the rest of the games. He tried to have other people do the things he would’ve done, but couldn’t get rid of his responsibilities, and ended up directing the entire game.

Same goes with 4, where he was really getting fed up about this. He literally announced the game to be directed by Alan Smithee, the name film directors use when they wish to disown a film they directed. But after heavy “persuasion” by the fans, he was forced to direct the game. It turned out to be nearly the opposite of 2, tying up all loose ends even if they were already pretty well tied up before. Retconning Solid Snake’s death from 2 was a weird choice, but I guess Kojima didn’t want to write an entire backstory to Pliskin.

Anyways, I say he’d been trying to conclude the series for the longest time, and he finally found a solution for MGSV: eat up as much time and money as possible until Konami forces him to publish the game and fires his ass. The Phantom Pain was being forced to work on a series you no longer care about, it’s the friends you lost along the way.

Number 1 – Yeah

That’s a cool story but I don’t ride the train so I can’t comment. Besides, I’m not judgemental enough about people to eavesdrop on conversations and arguments; I can barely carry out normal conversation as it is.

And in terms of nightmares, I don’t really have any, especially recurring ones. Seems like every single time I have a dream, I forget about it within 30 seconds. I’ve heard that you can train yourself to have better memories of them if you can write them down, but I’m never awake enough to write anything in the morning anyways. I guess the real nightmare is not knowing what happened in your head over the last 7 hours, you could have thought up something cool or influential but instead you threw it in the trash. Pulled out the tape. Rubbed a magnet over it. Left it on a park bench before taking a 5 hour flight to a different city, only remembering you left it there after 3 or 4 months.

Losing information that could be useful is what really scares me, it’s all the stuff that we can no longer find out about. There’s a society filter that kind of removes all the “unimportant” stuff as time goes on, where we forget about the fine details or the niche works of an unknown author, but I don’t think that’s right. The filter only removes unpopular stuff, but it’s the popular things I see as unimportant. Most popular things are based on other popular things, so the things which are truly original, fail to be remembered by society. Sure, the internet kind of fixes that, since someone somewhere has uploaded it, but it’s not so easy to find everything and anything. Even then, having access to the thing is half the battle. For example, the only way to play games made for the original Xbox is with an actual Xbox. While trivial to modify, you still need more outdated components, like an IDE hard drive, and a copy of Splinter Cell, which may not be hard to find, but are limited in quantity. The next best way to get Xbox games is through the 360’s and the One’s “backwards compatibility”, except it’s not truly backwards compatible, since only a few games still work. It’s up to Microsoft to make full compatibility with the Xbox’s library, and I don’t think trusting them is a good idea. And this is just one example, since there’s plenty of obscure consoles or unpopular games that are near-impossible to get running in 2017, without overpaying for things made decades ago. There have been recent attempts to port, or remaster games to modern hardware, which is nice, but 90% of the time it ends up not turning out ideally. Worst case scenario is Silent Hill, where STILL the best way to experience the first 4 games in the series is their original releases, since the HD Collection is an abortion and the PC ports have loads of problems, which even mods can’t fix. Aren’t these games supposed to be influential and popular? Shouldn’t we be able to play them without buying an overpriced, used copy off eBay, or downloading a DVD image off a shady website? I know it’s hard to port games which rely heavily on the PS1 and PS2 hardware, but it isn’t outright impossible. And this is just one example of a popular series getting a shitty treatment. God knows how many games can’t be played that don’t have a large fanbase, that won’t even get a terrible PC port and a butchered HD edition. It’s really concerning, since many of my favorite things are unpopular enough to get no ports or remakes, and who knows how many things could be my favorite if only I had easier access to it?

 

Anyways, that’s why Death Stranding is going to be at least OK when it comes out in 2090


Also published on Medium.

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