I’ve been playing a lot of Age of Empires 2 lately. If you’re one of the few people who still reads my columns on this site, you’d probably be just a little upset if I didn’t make a joke that went something like “If you’re the kind of idiot who would ask yourself ‘Coach, what does a 20 year old RTS game from the era where Microsoft was still a game developer have to do with Bernie Sanders?'”. The answer to that question is obviously not a damn thing, dipshit. This article has nothing to do with Bernie Sanders. I’m manipulating the SEO to force you to read what will eventually be an advertisement for the novel I wrote, that I think you should buy. SEO manipulation is amazing. I don’t know if you’ve ever used a wordpress blog before, but it’s almost comically easy! I’m sitting here rubbing my grubby hands together and smiling gleefully at the Yoast SEO options beneath the words I’m vomiting out onto the stark, white space in front of me. I’m so fucking smart. A real genius. There’s no way that someone who writes for, say, The Hard Times, has done a similar joke about using a whole bunch of buzzwords to attract the attention of The Algorithm. Donald Trump. Manafort. Mueller. Kazoo Kid. Lil Pump. State Of Emergency. Ellen DeGeneres. Pope Francis. Migos. Drake.

5. Bernie can win if he buys my book right now on Amazon for the low price of $3.33.

This is actually the only feasible way Bernie can win. If I may be so bold as to actually spend a moment discussing politics, the entire rest of the so-called Left is just as disenfranchised with the near-octogenarian as Bernie’s own voter base was with Hillary Clinton. On top of that, he’s old as shit, and he’s occupying the unique position of being far too radical for the rich white liberal elite types but nowhere near radical enough for the kinds of people who make guillotine jokes on Tumblr while their parents pay their rent. It’s a real lose-lose. If only he had been, say, I dunno, four years younger. I feel like 2016 would have been his year.

He still could totally win if he bought my book, though. He’d probably power through it in one sitting (which is very easy to do – it is a very engaging read and it isn’t terribly long) and be so inspired he’d write the best singular political speech in history. I’ve been told my debut novel, which is for sale on Amazon for $3.33, has that kind of effect on people.

4. So Coach, What’s Your Book About Anyway?

Why, my charming readers, for once I’m glad you thought you could speak to me via my articles, like some kind of reverse temporal message in a bottle. My book is about a girl who goes searching for a famous piece of lost media, but finds more important stuff on the way. It’s about the journey, man. Most people think it’s pretty good, and you might think so too.

3. How do you decide which hill you choose to die on? Do you even have a choice?

Dude. I don’t know. I’m really ill and swamped in medical bills. Buy my book. I’m really not the person you should be asking these kinds of questions to. Here’s a poem for your trouble, if you made it all the way to the end.

So you told me – “don’t you dare burn out
I’ll need light to find you, once I’m there.”
Of course, such control is a thing to behold –
filling in places you presumed you had space in
To stand tall and solitary – stoked as duty dictates
To burn twice as bright just through the night
While the stars hang up like lanterns
And do the very same.
If this is your beacon, it will not last the season
I can only beckon, I can only beckon
Perhaps there should be something more
This is all but lost on you –
Of that, I’m sure
And as you tour the rocks and cliffs
dotted around the dark edges of the harbor
You find you may slip with each passing hour
Meet my reflection with an accusing glare
“Don’t you dare burn out, I’ll need the signal once I’m there.”
“Darling, don’t you dare burn out. I need to see to reach you.”
Words that rang and hung like stars in the oppressive evening air
And, of course – the light burnt out
As all lights tend to do.

3 thoughts on “The Top 5 Ways That Bernie Can Still Win.

  1. captchas don’t even need to be solved anymore, they just have those picture tests so you can train a self-driving car algorithm. and if you don’t train it well enough, it knows you are human and therefore mortal

    1. I normally try and get one or two pictures wrong on captchas and they still let me through. If im not getting paid then fuck doing work for google
      Ill buy your book coach, but im probably not part of the blue ocean demographic you were going for with the title

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