Now, I know what you’re thinking. You probably saw this headline and thought something along the lines of “What? There’s no way this is real. This is probably some ‘satire’ article.”, and then you checked your browser to make sure you hadn’t accidentally navigated to Clickhole. I can assure that this, as ridiculous as it sounds, is not a joke.
My lawyer has allowed me to speak about this case, as long as I omit certain details, so I apologize in advance if this sounds vague. On October 11th, 2016, while playing a closed beta for a new virtual reality (VR) multiplayer first person shooter, I shot and killed an opponent named WetBoy69. I thought very little of it at the time. After all, the point of FPS games is to kill your opponent. From DOOM to whatever Call of Duty just got rushed out the door, the entire appeal is using guns to kill things. My innocuous actions in the game were par for the course. I got killed a few times myself! (Not very many, because I’m really good at video games, and any women reading this should call me.)
Imagine my surprise when just a few days later I was arrested outside of a 7/11 in rural Ohio while buying cigarettes and those nasty gas station tacos. You know which tacos I’m talking about, right? They aren’t really proper tacos, especially the 7/11 brand. They’re more like taquitos. Either way, they suck, but I was buying 5 of them because I was hungry. So I’m standing in the checkout line, and 4 state troopers burst into the room, guns drawn. I go peacefully, and am brought down to the local police station, where I am immediately accused of murdering WetBoy69.
“Hold on. That doesn’t make any sense.” Is what you’re probably saying. “How does killing someone in VR make you a murderer?” These are good questions to ask, but they are questions I am not able to answer right now, as my lawyer has advised me not to speak on this case any more than I need to.
Unbeknownst to me at the time of the alleged murder, an alarming precedent with VR technology had been set. After numerous “Virtual Rapes” (Which is what VR ought to really stand for), laws were pushed through in all 50 states, and virtual versions of 35 states, that makes any crime you commit in any virtual reality game real. Remember Inception? It’s a horrible movie, but that whole “You die in the dream, you die in real life.” thing applies here. Was that even from Inception? Full disclosure – I’ve never seen Inception.
Obviously I was shocked by this. I was now a murderer, no better than John Wayne Gacy or literally any US President. WetBoy69 was so emotionally devastated by his Virtual Death that I am now going to stand trial for the horrible crime I’ve committed. However, I have a plan. I have accessed the game’s logs, and prior to me killing WetBoy69, he killed me once. How could I possibly commit murder if I had already been murdered? WetBoy is the real monster here, in my eyes, but that will be for the jury to decide.