Now, I know what you’re thinking. You probably saw this headline and thought something along the lines of “What? There’s no way this is real. This is probably some ‘satire’ article.”, and then you checked your browser to make sure you hadn’t accidentally navigated to Clickhole. I can assure that this, as ridiculous as it sounds, is not a joke.

My lawyer has allowed me to speak about this case, as long as I omit certain details, so I apologize in advance if this sounds vague. On October 11th, 2016, while playing a closed beta for a new virtual reality (VR) multiplayer first person shooter, I shot and killed an opponent named WetBoy69. I thought very little of it at the time. After all, the point of FPS games is to kill your opponent. From DOOM to whatever Call of Duty just got rushed out the door, the entire appeal is using guns to kill things. My innocuous actions in the game were par for the course. I got killed a few times myself! (Not very many, because I’m really good at video games, and any women reading this should call me.)

Imagine my surprise when just a few days later I was arrested outside of a 7/11 in rural Ohio while buying cigarettes and those nasty gas station tacos. You know which tacos I’m talking about, right? They aren’t really proper tacos, especially the 7/11 brand. They’re more like taquitos. Either way, they suck, but I was buying 5 of them because I was hungry. So I’m standing in the checkout line, and 4 state troopers burst into the room, guns drawn. I go peacefully, and am brought down to the local police station, where I am immediately accused of murdering WetBoy69.

“Hold on. That doesn’t make any sense.” Is what you’re probably saying. “How does killing someone in VR make you a murderer?” These are good questions to ask, but they are questions I am not able to answer right now, as my lawyer has advised me not to speak on this case any more than I need to.

Unbeknownst to me at the time of the alleged murder, an alarming precedent with VR technology had been set. After numerous “Virtual Rapes” (Which is what VR ought to really stand for), laws were pushed through in all 50 states, and virtual versions of 35 states, that makes any crime you commit in any virtual reality game real. Remember Inception? It’s a horrible movie, but that whole “You die in the dream, you die in real life.” thing applies here. Was that even from Inception? Full disclosure – I’ve never seen Inception.

Obviously I was shocked by this. I was now a murderer, no better than John Wayne Gacy or literally any US President. WetBoy69 was so emotionally devastated by his Virtual Death that I am now going to stand trial for the horrible crime I’ve committed. However, I have a plan. I have accessed the game’s logs, and prior to me killing WetBoy69, he killed me once. How could I possibly commit murder if I had already been murdered? WetBoy is the real monster here, in my eyes, but that will be for the jury to decide.

2 COMMENTS

  1. You must be a troll because this is so poorly written and I mean actual troll none of this shield of “irony to stop my feelings getting hurt” drool. If you actually are a troll here’s a few problems I spotted.

    “my lawyer says I can’t explain it, here’s an explanation.”
    Also you mention being killed at the start and then have it as a twist.
    Finally you’re trying too hard to be relatable, inception reference should be replaced with total recall or something.

    BTW you’re like super obviously a chick irl, learn to write men outside of the cigarette stereotype (most gamers don’t smoke BTW,)

    Wetboy69 is such an uncreative name that it fails at being a fake name. It literally screams that the story was written by someone who doesn’t get usernames.

    The call me line was terrible and isn’t how guy gamers act at all (and if you intended the charecter to be female it’s also unrealistic) I’d suggest not leaving flirty lines in a “how I got arrested” story.

    Use basic logic virtual rape isn’t even possible and your mention of it comes outta nowhere.

    For the crime charged change it, having it as emotional damage in a game would make more sense especially if the game wasn’t a beta, and if said person had spent money.

    So yeah pretty much the entire thing fails when you realise they’res nothing to connect us to the charecter to make us feel bad for them.

    No ffs I am not a misogynist man writing this.

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