On August 6th, 2018, for once in my life, I decided I would do my civic duty. Do I mean something as trivial and stupid as voting? Of course not. Everyone knows voting is a hilarious waste of time unless you live in Ohio, North Carolina, or Florida. No, of course, I’m talking about something much more important . I’m talking about walking into McDonald’s on August 8th, 2018, and asking for a Fortnite Burger. Obviously, there was no such menu item at the time – to the best of my knowledge, there still isn’t, but I am a “journalist”, and I’ll be god-damned if I’m going to even fact check something even something just one google search away. In fact, I hope McDonalds has introduced a Fortnite Burger. It’s not like anyone would know at this point, if the lines at the Popeyes Chicken drive-through are anything to go by. All the taste of Chick-Fil-A with none of the blatant homophobia! For the record, the hill I will plant my flag and die on is that Raising Canes is the only fast food chicken that matters. A weird hill to die on, I know, but at least I’m dead.
It’s not every day the Culture is blessed such defining cornerstone event. the 60s had the CIA sponsored JFK assassination, the FBI sponsored Martin Luther King Jr. assassination, the moon landing, whatever Charlie Manson did to get him that sick feature on the Death Grips mixtape Exmilitary. The 80s had the CIA backed coup of more countries than I know how to spell the names of, the Iran Contra thing, Ollie North burying his gold under some guys house in Langley, Virginia (full disclosure, this might just be an American Dad episode but I’m pretty far past the point of caring.) 2016 or whatever had the entire Schezaun sauce debacle. Yeah bro, I totally don’t care if you were just pretending to be stupid when you screamed REEEEE at people who barely speak English working 60 hours a week to feed their kids. Stupid on purpose on is still stupid, but I guess that never stopped Yung Lean fans (Look at all these names I’m dropping. Hip and Relevant. I might as well just re-start hipsterrunoff at this point.)
Obviously, there is not a single cultural event in the last calendar year or so that had as much of a far reaching impact on we as a society as the simple cry for action in impact font that implored to us order a Fortnite Burger from McDonald’s on August 6th. We were assured the looks on the workers faces would be epic, and so we took to the street by perhaps the two-dozens, bright eyed and hearts full of hope that we could maybe make the world just a slightly more epic, or perhaps even based, place. I can only assume the handful of attempts world-wide to order a Fortnite Burger went just as poorly as mine did. I can only imagine the complete lack of even a successful failure was due to the fact that the Rick and Morty meme sauce types hate Fortnite on principle. To be fair, it does take an incredibly high IQ to understand Fortnite. One must imagine the average “Get Schwifty” t-shirt owner just doesn’t get it, and maybe, just maybe, that’s a good thing. I think I forgot the point I was making.
Football Season is Over
Football Season is Over was the title of Hunter S. Thompson’s brutally frank and pleasantly brief suicide note. I’m trying to think of what team he must of supported that under-performed that badly. After actually managing to do a bit of fact-checking for once in my career as a “journalist”, I realized that he killed himself only a few short days after Touchdown Tom Brady won his 3rd ring. Is this enough evidence to say that Tom Brady indirectly caused the death of Hunter S. Thompson? Maybe. Stay tuned for the chart party rip-off video I’m producing. Expect it in 2024 at the earliest.
Maybe football was his fortnite burger. Maybe the look on his face was epic, too – even if just a moment. I’m pretty I’m just allowed to publish anything I want, so before I scroll through the outdated wordpress dashboard to hit publish I’d like to implore you this September 8th to go to Popeyes and order a Fortnite chicken sandwich. If you can mitigate the two hour lines, I promise that the looks on your collective faces will be epic.